“What is drama but life with the dull bits cut out.”
Alfred Hitchcock
The truth is too painful
As adults, we all experience deception (Lying) at one stage or another in life. I think it is a misconception that lying is a learned behaviour, personally I do not agree with that. Lying is somethine we (humans) get better at with age. It is a huge topic and one that I will not delve into here as I feel that the few people who actually read my rambles would be hitting the unsubscribe button (do I have one of those?) quicker than I would have hoped. What I will say is, through my experience of children and specifically children who have experienced trauma in their young lives, have valid reasons for lying. It is our job to recognise the reasons behind the lie and not the lie itself.
A behaviour is not a reflection on the child, it is simply a behaviour
I admit, I find the pyschology behind kids behaviours fascinating - to be clear I am not saying for a minute that I relish learning about their traumas and horrendous life stories, far from it. If I could give them a different life to the one they had, I would in a heartbeat! That said, it is up to me and my Wife to understand, no, not just understand, to engulf ourselves in their journey to help them to make sense of their past trauma. Even after all these years, I still feel their pain and I think that is what keeps me going. To be able to empathise and offer a form of protection for them fills me with pride.
The third — and most important — misconception is that lying is always meant to deceive someone else. Psychologists are learning more and more that this is also not true. In fact, it is nowadays considered that self-deception is not only a beneficial psychological mechanism, but also a vital survival skill.
Troubled: A Memoir
Thanks to
for the link to Rob’s work and to his upcoming book, Trauma: A Memoir. I have pre-ordered this and I am very much looking forward to the launch date (February the 20th 2024). I have chosen the Audiobook version, simply because I can not find the time to read an actual book anymore and popping in some headphones whilst getting on with the day seems like a good compromise.Here is a little bit from Rob’s Substack to wet your appetite.
Despite my relatively young age, I have seen a lot. Readers appreciate my un-sheltered point of view. My book contains my reflections and recollections of the trials and anguish of my youth, and the path I took to climb out. The squalor of all the foster homes, the poverty and dysfunction of my adoptive family, family members shot, my decision to break away and start a new life for myself by enlisting in the military, the cost of all I went through, and my subsequent attempts at recovery. These experiences ultimately culminate with my entry into higher education and what I witnessed at Yale and Cambridge. I share my commentary and observations of current and future members of the American elite, and how this led me to pioneer the framework of “luxury beliefs”—ideas and opinions that confer status on the upper class, while inflicting costs on the lower classes (which I recently learned now has a wikipedia page). Alfred Hitchcock once said “What is drama but life with the dull bits cut out.” My book is the first thirty years of my life with all the boring parts cut out.
Publication date: February 20, 2024.
I think that Rob would be an excellent guest on one of my future Podcast episodes, what do you think? My last guest was Jane Collins who is the Director of Foster Support and I really enjoyed that episode.
Madness
It is true, our house is in the middle of our street and it has a crowd, and usually its VERY loud. In amongst all this madness is a little girl who just turned seven years old 9She shares her special day with a certain
). That little girl is my birth daughter and as she has been part of a fostering family all her life it is vital that we stay aware of the potential challenges this might bring. My Daughter can find it challenging when we seem to tolerate behaviour in our foster children that would never be acceptable for them to do, this goes back to helping them understand the reasons why. Also, one of the most difficult things for her to process is witnessing challenging behaviours towards me or Ruth and feeling powerless to intervene.With any situation you introduce into your children’s lives, there will always be challenges and positives. The key here is to communicate with them effectively, ensuring that they understand the reasons behind decisions and have the voice and confidence to make their wishes known at all times. As a Parent, we worry about ruining our kids, or making decisions that negatively affect them. At the same time, we can not wrap them up in cotton wool either, the balance is often measured on the smallest of lines. For me, I like to ensure that my Daughter has quality 1-2-1 time with both Ruth and I, and whilst that can be impossible to arrange when all the children are home, we do make sure that individual quality time is prioritised.
For the first time in over a decade, this year (2024) we have decided to book a short holiday for just us, we have never been away without the entire family. Guilt has played a part in this, but we are at the satge where we have accepted that our birth family must also build memories that are just there own, after all, our other children have already built their own memories with family prior to coming to us. We are excited to have a short break and spend all our time together, where this break will take us depends on what we can afford, but one thing I am clear on - It will not matter where we go, as we will be together!
Advocate
As my career progresses and I take part in further training and development opportunities, I have found advocating so much easier. The reason for this is simple - Knowledge and Understanding of your own child and their individual needs make it easy for you to understand what is needed. This knowledge is down to time spent, with your child and immersing yourself in their world. With a birth child, this is often automatic - the attachments and attuned mindset are already there. With Foster Children, there is an awful lot of work to be done to get anywhere near this point.
Recently, I found myself in an all familiar situation where I have had to stand up and advocate for one of my children with their school - do not get me wrong, her school is incredible in so many ways, not least, in the way they have supported the children during their very traumatic childhood. However, sometimes when you are comfortable with how a child is reacting, learning or acting you become blinded to what could be much more than just ‘quirkyness’.
And finally…
Some of you might be aware that we are having some building work done at the house and whilst we are very excited about the end result, the mess and logistics whilst it is happening are sometimes a struggle. This morning, I opened up the back door to grab a few bits from the outside shed and was met with an avalanche of rubble! at the time, it reall was not funny as every shovel full i removed from the door, another avalanche would fill it right back up again!
Looking back, I can smile now…
Take care and look after yourselves…
Oh, can you please remember to subscribe (if you arent already!) the button is below and its totally free!
Lee
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